The motherhood shame of being selfish

I feel compelled to write about this as the topic has become something frequently talked about and discussed in class; especially when you have a group of mums, all on maternity leave and all struggling in some way or another.

Us women are supposed to raise children like we don't want our lives and live our lives like we don't have children! 

It's a really hard balance to in find and if you are influenced by social media or are having a bad day and feeling particularly shitty about yourself then external influences can really bring you down and have a negative impact on how you feel.

The second time mum always has a different attitude to the first time mum.

First time around with my eldest Oscar (who is now 13) we partook in every single baby class I could throw myself into. Messy play, Baby Sensory, Sing and Sign, Library time, Baby swim classes, Playgroup, Stay and Play; you name it and we did it.

But I did not enjoy a single one of them as much as I probably should have.

Of no fault of the class leaders or the activities offered (I still think our local Baby Sensory leader is a legend) but I just found myself lost. I didn't really know anyone, the groups were all very clicky, If you see one NCT mum, you see them all, and Oscar; god love him was a miserable sod! If he wasn't sat on me crying then he was laid in front of my crying.

I look back at the young mum I was then and I don't think I ever understood the importance of Nap time and overstimulation. I also never truly appreciated how much I just need to sit down and do sod all with my baby. 

I was this new mum with the impression I had to go out and do everything for baby, if I didn’t then the mum guilt and shame would be wayyyyy to much.

The only thing I did for myself was a mum and baby exercise class where I met my best mate, drank tea and had adult conversations. Although in this class Oscar went into the Creche so there was mum guilt there.

The return-to-work mum guilt was astronomical.

Then the shame I felt at the time for missing my old life, my old career, my old friends, having money, going out and living was huge.

We feel that when we become parents; our children should become our everything and in return we sacrifice all that we had.

I think this now only comes with a side dose of frustration and resentment.

Why should you give up everything you have worked for, created and enjoyed? Yes, children are a blessing, they are something I think those like myself take for granted when there are so many without but that does not mean I am just mum.

But the guilt we feel placed upon us for putting our child in to childcare, the worry that both you and they will miss our is huge. Yet why shouldn't you go and earn money, continue a career you love or have adult conversations for the day and not be vom'd on 24/7?

Work like you don't have children and parent like you don't have work - its just not doable. 

The shift in second time mums is something I really notice.

I would say a large proportion of mums that come through our doors at MummaBfit are mums that have had their first child and now onto the 2^nd, 3^rd, 4^th child and they always say the same; this time I want to do something for me.

The same conversation arises how the first maternity leave was spent doing everything for baby and left them feeling lost and alone.

I know with my second I did not do any classes (queue mum guilt for this) but being older I did find motherhood tough again, I also had a bit of ingrained trauma from all the classes I sat through with Oscar screaming his head off.

No one likes being the mum that everyone is giving a sideways glance too because their kid clearly, is not impressed by the hand puppet, flashing lights and enthusiastic class leader.

And whilst I totally can be that over enthusiastic class leader in my own class, I think as a mum there is that buildup of frustration and resentment when you are only there for your kid in the first place!

With my youngest lockdown rules were still rumored and there were social distancing in place so I found it easier to stay home or do other things aside classes.

If is ok to do something for you

So, if you are sat there thinking, why am I spending money on a class I am not going to enjoy myself then don’t feel guilty for this. You have every right to want to do something for yourself and to enjoy your maternity leave.

I actually feel quite chuffed that my mums say my classes provide entertainment, play, social time and sensory stimulation for their children.

It is not wrong to want to keep your identity despite becoming a mum, it is not a bad thing to hold on to what you enjoy and it certainly is not something you should feel guilty for if you want to explore classes made for mum, not just your little one.

Besides; Oscar does not remember a single thing I did with him as a baby or a child! He has a vague recollection of things from the age of 4 but that is it.

And of course if you want to try a class that has entertainment for BOTH you and baby then my classes are ace! They are made specifically with this in mind. Fun and social for you but plenty of toys, fun and interaction for baby too. 

Look after you mumma, because if you aren’t happy or firing on all cylinders then nothing else will.

Vicky xx