Motherhood; Maternity leave comes with a while heap of emotions no one warns you about. 

Many emotions that no one talks about, that no one quite wants to talk about. Especially work, no mum wants to talk about work, both the positive and negative of it. 

It's a funny old game, this game we play of motherhood isn't it?

We go into motherhood thinking right ok, I am going to carry this child, it's going to come out of me in a shitshow of screaming and pain and then I am going to have 9 amazing months off looking after said baby before returning to work and continuing on with life.

Then possibly rinse and repeat.

But nothing, absolutely nothing prepares you for the losses that you experience with motherhood. 

Your body, your strength, your identity, your patience, your freedom, your independence, Your friendship groups, dare I say it relationships, your work, your mental health. I could go on.

You soon start to realise there are 2 camps that mums fall into, along with a secret 3rd! 

There is a fine line to tread in society between loving motherhood and struggling. Some mums tip over into the all too the "I love motherhood" irritating Irene and the others then get pushed into the "I'm hating this" depressed Doris. Regardless of which camp you're in, you envy, resent, admire, wanna be in the other.

I have been in the Doris camp way to many times but my boys, but with Bow I am Irritating Irene. I LOVE being her mum, I have found the motherhood bond I so desperately wanted before with my boys.

But I have also fallen into a completely unknown camp; the camp of Wanting ME. I'll call this Wanting Wendy world.

Sorry to all the Irene's, Doris's & Wendy's out there! 

I want to work.

I love my job. 

I love being at work.

I love the sense of joy and sense of achievement 

I felt a bit lost in motherhood, despite adoring my daughter, something was missing.

I felt a bit lost without my work, hence why I came back at 3 months PP. It gave me something that I was missing; a belonging and a purpose of my own outside of the family. 

Yet I still get those frowned looks and people say "oh no, you went back to work so early? No?!"

Don't get me wrong, money was a factor (the joy of self employed) but even if we didn't need me to work, I NEEDED to work for me.

It's been lovely coming back on my own terms, bring Bow in to the fold and dare I say I have enjoyed the challenge of muddling my way through.

I needed to come back and it is nothing to feel ashamed at or frustrated with.

 If you're sat there missing a bit of you, or feeling a bit lost, don't feel bad. It's normal. Absolutely normal. 

Motherhood is hard and you loose yourself, you become desperate for you again. So many mums feel bad feeling like that but you don't need to.

Use mums need and deserve joy and fulfillment in our lives and not everyone gets that from motherhood, regardless of how much you love your kiddies. Some of us weren't put on this earth for just childbearing and raising our young. 

And that's ok. 

So this is a bit of a love letter to any mum out there feeling lost, guilty for feeling like they have lost a piece of her and craving something of the life that was before. 

Vicky xx