Oh Mum Guilt, What fresh hell is this?!

I appreciate many of you reading this are either not in the middle of the summer holidays because your kiddies are not at school, or kiddies have not started school yet.

But I know there is one thing for sure: Mum guilt creeps up and smacks your backside when you least expect it for all sorts of random reasons. 

I have found I am struggling with mum guilt in ways I never imaged I would this year, well I wouldn't would I? Because I didn't plan to get pregnant! 

But the forth coming point to my email is, mum guilt gets everyone, no matter how hard you are trying.

And, as always, you aren't alone! 

I always knew that I would struggle in the latter stages of my pregnancy, not my first rodeo and like with the other babies I have carried before I suffer massively with the old flange of fire - SPD (Pelvic Girdle Pain)

This is where are the ligaments within the pelvis become so soft there is little stability and support. The bones at the front of the pelvis rub together causing flashes of pain and constant throbbing. 

Everyone struggles differently with it and it is not a one solution suits all type of thing. For example; according to the text books lunges are a no go but squatting should be fine. I am the opposite, I can still lunge but not squat. 

I can't open my legs (oo err! perhaps I should have thought about that before 🤣) I cannot carry any sort of load, carrying the 6 pint milk bottle across the kitchen this morning was excruciating and lifting my legs to put my socks on is near on impossible.

Pelvic support bands are advised but mine aggravates the ligaments in my scar tissue and triggers Braxton hicks - like I said: everyone is different.

You can image how this is as a mum to 2 highly energetic and crazy boys? At the ages of 5 and 2 they don't have the ability to sit still for long periods. But even the easy stuff is exhausting, not just because I am 34 weeks preggo in heat, but because I am battling pain. 

I cannot get on the floor and play games like cars because I can't always get back up without help, I cannot walk to our local park because it is agony and triggers heart palpitations. I have looked at soft play but Ollie has delayed gross motor skills and is very wobbly (all linked to his tonsils) and I cannot go in the soft play to support and help him. I have been swimming but whilst I can take one with me, not 2 in arm bands. 

There is the cinema but ya know, money! 

Lately its been too hot for me to sit outside or the weather has been a washout and they've been inside.

Even sitting in the car for long distances I seize up. 

So mum guilt has hit me hard! I feel like this summer hols has been utterly pathetic for them. I keep being told "its ok, its one summer, they wont remember etc etc" or "you're doing your best, they will just have fun in the garden"

But that's not the point is it? 

I know. 

I will remember.

I feel the guilt. 

And yes, we will look back on this and laugh/smile/reminisce about it; but right now it feel crap.

But a few days ago we did get out. We walked to the bus stop opposite the house (90second walk) We sat on a half hour bus ride to Chineham Shopping Centre. They LOVED sitting up at the top of the double decker, seeing the air ambulance land & the mini tour of the hospital grounds en route. 

We went to McDonalds - minimal walking - and they loved the happy meal treat before walking up to the library where they sat for half hour reading and colouring. On the way back to the bus I popped into the 2 charity shops on a puzzle hunt (couldn't help myself) and we went into Tesco for the boys to choose an outfit for baby.

It was simple, minimal effort of walking and they loved it. 

Side Note* Elliot's behavior in the morning received a proper b0ll0cking and the day wasn't without me shouting "stop" "leave each other" "I said no" and other various frequented mum bellows throughout - just keeping it real! We would have got cake too if Els hadn't got into trouble that morning.

But I can't do this every day, I mean there are only so many bus routes in Basingstoke! My Childminder is amazing and does lots with them but its not practical financially to put them with her every day. My sister is a very hands on and helps out as is my wifey and aunt.

So they do get to do things but I cannot help when Elliot goes back to school and is asked what he did in the holidays, a bus trip, swimming & train ride will be all he has to remember. 

Whereas I wish it was; we went camping, we explored the new forest, played in the sea and found some amazing parks.

Everything will go back to normal, this is a one off year and I am being hard on my self; I know all this.

But if your sat there feeling guilt because you don't have the money to do all the things, you aren't posting amazing holiday photos on social media or just having the patience to not loose your shit with your kids on a daily basis let alone sit for hours doing arts and crafts; its not just you! 

I have no words to change things, I don't pretend I do, but sometimes reading the reality of someone else's world does help make you feel a little more human.

If you are they mum not feeling guilty, loving the summer hols or laid back Lucy taking it in your stride; then you own that Mumma! You cherish it. We know there are other things you struggle with so no judgement here.

You've got this and you're rocking it. Feel Proud!